I wish I knew.
I wish I knew that everything isn’t always what it appears to be. When we met, my guards were high. My happiness was too. I was content on where I was in life. Single. Unbothered. For years, I felt insecure. Unloved. Destined to be alone. My peace was nonexistent. Through a lot of tears and time alone, I finally felt free. Living according to my own rules. Loving me unconditionally. You came at a time I was very open to expanding my heart, my habits, my whole self because I was finally a WHOLE self. At the very same time, I was very concerned about the interruption of the peace I’d worked so hard to build. You said this was different. You said you were different. Disguised as someone who would only edify and increase light, love, and life. You told me things about myself that no one ever was able to see or believe. You said your feelings were genuine. I wish I knew that in those words, you had your desires as the priority. You desired EVERY heart for short time or over and over, at your leisure. I wish I knew that my peace, protecting my heart, was not on your agenda. My heart wasn’t the only one you’d love. My body was only as good as the present time we shared. Your love was boundless, your words were heartfelt, but they were for any woman that would let you in. I wish I knew that everything isn’t always what it appears to be.
I wish I knew that people will lie to you because they lie to themselves. Even as the relationship progressed, and the inconsistencies of your life and choices became more and more apparent, the ownership of those actions didn’t. I couldn’t understand why you continuously lied, omitted information, and created a fantasy for us to exist. When there are so many women very willing to sign up for your kind of love. Willing to share your heart and body. I understand now. I understand that hurt people HURT people. I understand that people can’t face you in truth, because they can’t face themselves. They cover their choices because the truth to too painful for them to bear. You couldn’t live your life in full truth because you wanted the love your mom and dad had, but you aren’t the man your dad was. You couldn’t face the fact that your impulsive and unhealthy desire for multiple random pussy was so deeply programmed and apart of the person you are. Letting it go would uproot your entire being. You couldn’t face the fact that you live a superhero bravado because deep down you’re an insecure and angry boy, wounded from being misunderstood. I wish I knew your were lying to yourself. I wish I knew that people will lie to you because they lie to themselves.
I wish I knew the depths of my own heart. As things slowly evolved and I gained a better understanding of who you fully are, an amazing thing happened. I was pulled in more. Instead of running away, I ran towards you. Your dysfunctional life became my addiction. So many hopes shattered, so many lies, so many promises broken, but none of it was enough to break my commitment. In your repeated mistakes, you found a way each time to blame me. If I were doing this or that, you’d be supported. You’d feel loved. So, what did I do? I supported. I loved. But each time, a new request was added to the list. I wish I knew myself. I wish I knew that our love would literally cause me to lose my fucking mind. I wish I valued my own heart. I appeased you, and I loss myself. I forever changed my life for someone that I could not change. I chose to live in pieces so that you could live in peace. I lost my own voice. I wish I knew the depths of my own heart.
I wish I knew love. You opened a feeble heart. You made a non-believer believe. In you, I experienced a love so great that now I long for it. A longing so deep that I’m awaken at night. A longing so strong that this brokenness lingers. I wish I knew love. I wish love were mine. Unconditional. Uncompartmentalized. Understanding. Unassuming. Never changing. Never quitting. I wish the journey were easy. Boy meets girl. Boy chooses girl. Girl chooses boy. Boy and girl live happily ever after. Over and over, I’ve asked why me? Maybe I need to experience a broken love in order to recognize and appreciate whole one. Or maybe this is as good as it gets. I wish I knew love. I wish love knew me.
I wish I knew.
A Broken Heart