Somewhere along the way, I forgot. Pouring into loved ones. Trusting the agendas of others over my own. Accepting. Settling for standards beneath my worth. Little by little losing me, piece by piece. Living in silent shame of the pain of hopes unfulfilled. With fruitless dreams and a broken spirit, here I am…an empty vessel. Scarred. Dejected. Hopeless.
Somewhere along the way, I forgot.
I forgot to practice what I preach. I am, where I am, for a divine purpose. And even in my brokenness, I am enough. My gifts and glitches don’t need to be shifted or hidden to fit the needs of someone else. I am the perfect blend of greatness in the making. Someone else’s lack of seeing my treasures is their problem, not mine. Recognizing my bright light and letting it shine everyday is my responsibility, not anyone else’s. I forgot I am enough.
I forgot the power of forgiveness…forgiving myself. Forgiving myself for putting others needs before my own. Forgiving myself for silencing my voice, my needs. Releasing myself from the pain of things that fell apart. I forgot that nothing will change the way things panned out. Not even wallowing in the pool of regrets and shame. I forgot to forgive.
I forgot that my journey will have bumps and turns that will knock me down, but I choose how I react. Failure sparks a change, and (in some cases) the change is necessary. I can choose to use the lessons learned in failing to propel me to a place that reflects my worth and joy. I forgot, in failure, I can choose to fight.
Autumn is a beautiful season of change. All of nature screams transition. From the crisp shift in the air’s temperature, to the beautiful color changes in leaves as they fall from the trees making them open, bare, and vulnerable. It’s the perfect time to allow bad habits to die, and learn some valuable and humbling lessons. It’s the perfect time to fall for the most important person…ME!
So, what now? In this brief time, I have learned some things as I begin this journey of loving me.
You matter. So often, in times of trouble, we don’t seek help. We say nothing. We wallow in our own pain and shame. I am finding that people are waiting and wanting to pour into you all the love and encouragement needed to get through the difficult times. Let them. I spend a good chunck of my time building my reserves. Pouring my gifts into the people that matter to me. During this season of emptiness, they are drenching me with love and good energy, and I am very grateful.
Be selfish. Its odd even typing this, but falling in love with me means I’ve got to get to know me, again. Take time to spend time with you...as much time as you need. Don’t look at it as saying ‘no’ to others, but saying ‘yes’ to yourself. It may take some time for others to adjust, but they will and they will love you still.
Get busy living. Plan some dates…some solo dates. Get all dolled up in your fall’s finest, of course, and enjoy an evening out. (You could also stay in.) Set some short and long term goals. Get your mind actively thinking about your next season because it is surely coming. Write them down, and post them where you can see them often. Say “thank you” for breath in your body everyday (after all, things could be worse). Find reasons to laugh, songs that fill you with hope, blessings in nature. Believe in new life, or fake it til’ you make it.
Even in pain, there is hope. Even in sadness, you can choose joy. I choose happiness. I choose redemption. I choose my own needs and desires.
I choose me….one day at a time.
Do you have stories of self-redemption? I would love to hear them! Please share in the comments below.
Love Without Fear,